I am often on the “outside of life looking in”, not through any fault of my own or anyone else’s but because of a disease or condition that I have no control over and I need your help.
Friends and family try to ‘help’ from time to time, encouraging me to do more, thinking that if I just stepped through the window I would feel “so much better” and I do try… the spirit is willing but the body is often weak and in pain.
Sometimes what is meant to be helpful suggestions or encouragement comes across instead as criticism or makes me feel guilty.
“We missed you this past Holiday, you will be at the next one won’t you?”
“You WILL come to this gathering… it is important… you can lay down in the bedroom or on the sofa if you have to but you WILL be there” (this one I actually got from my Mother-in-Law as I was in a recliner trying hard not to pass out from pain with her hovering over me, her face inches from mine, refusing to move until I agreed to be at a gathering in a few weeks time even though I had no clue if I would be physically able to attend)
“I know that you are on a restricted diet and this is a food you can have, I am making it and you are eating it” (When told that I was not able to eat anything that day when I attended that gathering even though I was feeling rotten to avoid hurt feelings)
“Why aren’t you eating anything?”
“You don’t visit enough; I rarely get to see you”
“Come on over, we are going to the pool” (knowing I cannot get in or out of a pool that does not have a lift or wheelchair ramp with a water chair for getting in and out and cannot sit in the heat at poolside due to my health)
“I would have invited you, but you rarely can come anyway”
I know that the intentions are the best… but when a person is so very limited in what they can do and when they can do it can add heartache and hardship to any relationship and can lead to estrangement and even avoidance.
I feel guilty… guilty that I cannot visit friends and family then added to that guilt comes ‘after guilt’ when I am gently confronted about not attending “you were missed” and I grow afraid to even attend some things because I know that if I do all focus will be on what I am eating or not eating… am I moving around too much… how am I feeling… reminders that I missed gatherings in the past and urgings to try my best to come more often.
Here are some helpful hints… things that can be done to reduce the guilt and stress…
- Invite with the understanding that I will attend if I can. IE- “We would love to have you there if you are up to it” I will try my best to be there, but if I can’t please know that it was not a choice I made lightly.
- Avoid asking what foods I can or can’t have, because that can change daily or even hourly and I will probably bring what I can have with me anyway. IE- I might be able to eat mashed potatoes that day, but not necessarily your Grandma’s famous mashed potatoes because everyone has a special recipe that they use, a family recipe, that may have ingredients that I cannot have and if you go through all that trouble and I am not able to eat it anyway it would hurt your feelings or I would eat it to keep from hurting your feelings and suffer the consequences for it.
- Consider informal ‘spur of the moment’ activities. I often cannot plan things in advance and when I am having a good day I would love to be able to do something, even visiting the grocery store can be an adventure and more fun when shared.
§ Refrain from asking me how I am or if you do ask mean it because you will be told…or commenting on how I look… I know I look tired and not at my best. I also probably do not feel like going over my last Dr appointment in detail and having to answer too many questions on a good day… I want to be ‘normal’ and not have to drag my condition along with me. - If I am having a bad day… ask if there is anything I need… often I am unable to get to the store and need something like toilet paper or milk. Even something as simple as asking means a lot.
- When I am able to attend an activity do not make a big fuss about me being able to be there to encourage me to attend more things, it only makes me feel guilty that I have missed activities and puts a pall on the visit.
I would love to be inside the window with friends and family instead of being on the outside looking in… please leave the window open so that when I can be there I have a way to reach you and at the same time know that I would love it if you reached through the window to me with understanding.